


Alive

by Lau1234



Category: Pearl Jam, Soundgarden (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-07-14 05:35:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16034054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lau1234/pseuds/Lau1234
Summary: Chris is worried because his boyfriend is acting strange...





	Alive

**Author's Note:**

> This work may contain sensitive information. Discretion is advised.

Eddie was acting weird lately, but Chris couldn't exactly point how.  
  
"Babe, are you listening?" He asked.  
  
Eddie's eyes where staring blankly at the wall. Finally, he turned to Chris.  
  
"Sorry, I just... What were you saying?" Eddie said apologetically.  
  
"Nevermind." Chris moved closer to Eddie, wrapping an arm around him. "What's wrong?" He asked concerned.  
  
Eddie shifted awkwardly in his seat. "Nothing, what do you mean?"  
  
"You're acting strange. You've been like that the whole week."  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about." Eddie looked away.  
  
Chris sighed, resigned. "Promise me you'll tell me if something's wrong. Anything, okay?"  
  
"I promise." Eddie lied.  
  
___________________  
  
Two weeks had passed, and even though he'd never brought the subject up again, Chris was still worried. Everything in Eddie had changed. He was hardly getting any sleep, he didn't eat much, and he was being very cold towards Chris.  
  
"I love you." Chris told him one night in bed, holding him close.  
  
"Me too." Eddie answered shortly.  
  
Chris leaned to kiss his boyfriend, who accepted the kiss passively, not even opening his mouth. It broke Chris's heart. If only he could see what was going on in his mind. But he couldn't, and it drove him up the wall. He knew Eddie oh so well. He could see he was suffering. But he just didn't know why, and that meant he couldn't help him. He just held on to his beautiful body, kissing his shoulder lightly, wishing he could, somehow, help him with whatever he was going through.  
  
_________________  
  
"This is shit." Eddie stated.  
  
"What are you talking about? It's great!" Chris answered.  
  
They were in the studio, and Eddie was listening to one of the voice tracks of Pearl Jam's next album _'Binaural'_. Chris thought it sounded amazing, but Eddie was just not happy with it. Then again, he wasn't happy with anything lately.  
  
"You have to say that. But you know it sounds like shit." Eddie replied.  
  
"I know it's a great song. You need to loosen up a little." Chris told him.  
  
But Eddie ignored him. It was becoming a habit for him. Chris didn't know what the hell had happened, but he knew he couldn't take it anymore.  
  
"Will you tell me what the fuck is going on?" Chris asked.  
  
"Will you let it go? Nothing's going on, okay? I'm just not happy with this fucking thing. It sounds like crap! This whole album is gonna sound like shit! Just let me fucking deal with it my own way!"  
  
"You're not dealing with anything. You've been bottling things up for weeks, pushing me away whenever I tried to help you. I know there's something going on, but I can't help you if you don't tell me what is it!"  
  
"I don't fucking need your help, Chris!" Eddie snapped.  
  
For a moment they fell silent.  
  
"You can't just fix everything for me. There are things that just can't be fixed. Maybe I'm just going through a rough patch. It'll go away, just fucking leave it alone, will you? Let me deal with my feelings the way I can." Eddie tried so hard to fight back the tears.  
  
"Alright." Chris said, looking down. "I'll leave it alone. Do whatever you want. Just... You know... Call me if you need me."  
  
Chris walked towards the door and, giving Eddie a weak smile, he left the studio. It was cold outside, but Chris didn't mind. He needed a walk to clear his head. Tears fell from his eyes, and he cried for his loved one. He hated that he wasn't able to bring him comfort. He hated that Eddie didn't trust him enough to tell him what was eating him on the inside. Chris loved him so much, and it was killing him to see Eddie that way. But there was nothing he could do and he knew that. He would just have to wait and stand by him until he decided to open up.  
  
_______________  
  
Chris woke up to the sound of a strained whine. He turned around on the bed and saw Eddie gripping the sheets forcefully while he muttered something under his breath. Tears were streaming down his face and he was breathing heavily. He kicked mindlessly the mattress, panting.  
  
"Eddie, wake up... Come on love! EDDIE!" Chris tried to wake him up.  
  
He grabbed Eddie by the shoulders and shook him gently until he opened his eyes. Eddie stared at him, looking partly relieved and partly embarrassed.  
  
"I'm okay, thanks." He simply said, catching his breath.  
  
Chris held his hand and caressed it softly. He saw so much hurt in his eyes. It scared him, it scared him so much. What was that nightmare about? Had somebody hurt him? He shivered at the sole thought of it. What if someone had harmed Eddie and he hadn't been there to protect him? No wonder Eddie didn't trust him now. He pulled his boyfriend closer and held him tight.  
  
"Why won't you let me in?" He whispered.  
  
Eddie didn't answer. He didn't hug Chris back either, his arms loosely hanging around the other's waist. Chris kissed his shoulder lightly, then nuzzling his face in the crook of Eddie's neck. Eddie pulled away after some moments.  
  
"I'd like to go to sleep now, I'm kinda tired." Eddie said, looking down.  
  
"Sure." Chris tried and failed to smile.  
  
He cupped Eddie's cheek and stroked it gently. Eventually they both laid down and tried to fall asleep. Eddie succeeded, but Chris failed. Instead, he spent the night watching his lover, who laid in bed with a disturbed expression in his face. He caressed his arm ever so gently and a lump formed in his throat, nearly choking him. It had been weeks, and he still didn't know what was going on. Maybe it was something that had happened with the band. Maybe something with his family. Maybe it was just something stupid that had upset him. Maybe something worse. Even if it were the tiniest little thing, he wanted to know. He wanted to help him overcome whatever was hurting him. But he couldn't do anything but hold him and wait.  
  
_________________  
  
If the night before had been bad, the following morning was even worse. Now Eddie was barely talking, and whenever he locked eyes with Chris, he'd quickly look away embarrassed.  
  
"Are we gonna talk or what?" Chris asked.  
  
Eddie gulped. "I know I freaked you out last night..."  
  
"Understatement."  
  
"I'm sorry. It was just a nightmare, I promise. There's nothing going on."  
  
Chris sighed. He was sick and tired of the situation.  
  
"Eddie for fuck's sake, stop lying to me! What's happening? I can't stand seeing you like this, I really can't! Tell me what's going on, we can work it out."  
  
Eddie didn't answer. He was starting to feel nauseous.  
  
"Eddie? Love, what is it?" Chris asked concerned.  
  
Eddie got up quickly and ran to the bathroom, where he threw up. Chris followed him and stood by the door, waiting for him to finish. The he helped him on his feet and handed him a glass of water. Eddie looked weak and pale. Chris touched his forehead.  
  
"Babe, you're burning. You have a fever. We need to call a doctor." Chris told him.  
  
"No, no doctors." Eddie whispered softly.  
  
"Eddie, I'm freaking out. You look like you're about to..."  
  
Chris couldn't complete the sentence. Eddie passed out in his arms.  
  
________________  
  
Chris waited in the hallway, pacing back and forth. Eddie was in one of the rooms.  
  
"Mr. Cornell?" A nurse approached him.  
  
"Yes? How is he?" He got up quickly.  
  
The nurse looked unsure. "Could you come with me to talk, somewhere more... Private? This a delicate issue..."  
  
Chris' heart jumped. He nodded and followed her to an office. It a small white room. They sat down. The nurse said she had to discuss some things about Eddie's health with him. She told him Eddie had a high fever, that's why he had passed out, but that it was under control now. He was conscious and in good hands. Chris sighed in relief.  
  
"However," the nurse continued, lowering her tone, "there is one more thing I'd like to talk to you about..."  
  
_________________  
  
"Eddie?" Chris opened the door a little and popped his head in.  
  
Eddie smiled weakly when he saw him. "Hi. Come in."  
  
Chris got into the room and sat beside Eddie, holding his hand affectionately.  
  
"How're you feeling?" He asked.  
  
Eddie shrugged. "Better, I guess. I just want to go home."  
  
Chris smiled. "Well, I've got good news then. We'll be going back home in a couple of hours. I just wanted to check on you."  
  
Eddie felt his throat tightening, and he squeezed Chris' hand desperately. Chris caressed his hand in response, squeezing back lovingly.  
  
"I'm sorry for the way I've treated you lately." Eddie said.  
  
"I just want you to be okay love. That's all I want. Please let me help you. I'm here for you, for anything you might need." Chris replied.  
  
"You just can't help with this... You can't."  
  
Eddie closed his eyes, tears rolling down his cheeks. Chris dried them with his thumb and gently kissed his lover, who shivered at the touch.  
  
"Don't..." Eddie whispered, sobbing.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I can't, I just can't..."  
  
Chris took a deep breath, remembering what the nurse had told him.  
  
"We'll talk when we get home love." Chris said.  
  
_________________  
  
The couple arrived home later that day. The silence was appalling in the house, and Chris knew he had to break in eventually. When Eddie went to lay down, he prepared tea for both of them and, shaking a bit, he took them upstairs. Eddie was lying in bed, but Chris didn't think he was asleep.  
  
"Babe?" He asked softly.  
  
"Hey." He heard a reply.  
  
Chris got in and laid in bed next to Eddie. He handed him a cup of tea.  
  
"It'll help your stomach set." He told him.  
  
They sipped silently, until Chris spoke.  
  
"We need to talk Eddie." He started.  
  
Chris mentally kicked himself when he saw Eddie's alarmed expression. Everybody knows you're not supposed to start a conversation like that if you want to transmit serenity to the other person. But it was done, so he continued.  
  
"While you were in the hospital I talked to one of your nurses." Chris said. "They said they'd found... Something when they examined you."  
  
Eddie closed his eyes. He knew what they'd found. He knew it so damn well. That's why he didn't want doctors in the first place. He didn't want Chris to find out that way. He didn't want him to find out at all, really. But he had, and now there was no way back.  
  
"I wanted to tell you, I swear..." Eddie started.  
  
"It's okay honey..."  
  
"No, it's not. You hate me now, and you're right..."  
  
"Love, I don't hate you okay? Don't ever think that, 'cause it's not true. And if you don't ever want to tell me what happened, that's fine. But please, please, never think I could love you any less because of this."  
  
Saying that, Chris slowly leaned down to kiss him. Eddie closed his eyes and pushed him away softly.  
  
"Don't kiss me." He asked.  
  
"Why baby?"  
  
"You don't understand this, do you? Otherwise you wouldn't be so calmed."  
  
"I'm not calmed, I'm fucking angry!" Chris exclaimed.  
  
Eddie looked down sobbing, and Chris realised what he was thinking.  
  
"Oh, no baby. Not at you, okay? I could never..."  
  
"I don't blame you if you are." Eddie interrupted him.  
  
"But I'm not. And I never will be, because it wasn't your fault, okay? It really wasn't. I just want to be here for you. Whenever you're ready to let me help you, I'll be here, okay?"  
  
Chris stared expectantly at Eddie, waiting for a reaction. Any kind of reaction. He hoped he hadn't pushed him away by telling him that he knew what had happened. He thought that knowing that Chris loved him and didn't blame him would be reassuring for him, but now he was doubting. What if Eddie was too ashamed now and locked himself away? He couldn't let that happen. Chris reached out for Eddie's hand and was surprised when it was taken. Carefully and slowly, Chris draped his arm around Eddie's waist, pulling him close to him. Eddie rested his head on his lover's chest and let out a long wail. Chris hugged him tight, kissing his head lovingly.  
  
"I won't give up on you. Ever. I love you." He said.  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes. Yes, I love you."  
  
"How can you? How can you even look at me now? It's over Chris, just leave now. It'll hurt less than if you stay longer."  
  
Chris' heart broke. "I'm not leaving."  
  
"Don't do this to me. Please don't."  
  
"I love you. And that's not gonna change."  
  
Chris held him close for several minutes, until Eddie realised he wasn't going to let go of him. He treasured every second of that embrace. He felt safe in his arms, like he hadn't felt in so long.  
  
"I can't... Tell you just yet." Eddie whispered, pulling away.  
  
"It's okay. I don't need you to. Do whatever you feel comfortable with. There's no pressure here. We'll do everything the way you want it to be done, we'll tell people whatever you want to tell them. And I'll do whatever you need me to if it'll make you feel better, okay?"  
  
Eddie nodded weakly, and Chris caressed his cheek lovingly.  
  
"Can I kiss you?" He awkwardly asked.  
  
Eddie blushed. "Yeah... I mean... If you're sure you want to..."  
  
"I'd love nothing more." Chris said.  
  
Eddie closed his eyes and waited to feel the warmth of Chris' lips. They were soft and tender, and were being so gentle. Chris' hands were cupping Eddie's face, not daring to move so he wouldn't scare him.  
  
"We'll get through this." Chris promised when they broke the kiss.  
  
_______________  
  
It was tough, to say the least. Chris was so heartbroken. He knew Eddie was trying to appear strong, and he really admired him for that, but he didn't want him to conceal his suffering. He wanted Eddie to show him everything, to know what had happened and make it better. But how do you ask something like that? Who could have the heart to ask their loved one to relive the worst moment of their lives, even if it was to help them? He knew he couldn't do that to Eddie, he just couldn't. But it terrified him to think that his lover wouldn't be the same ever. Not because of himself, of course. Chris knew he would stay with Eddie forever, there was no doubt about it, they belonged together. No, it wasn't his happiness he was worried about, it was Eddie's.  
  
He was immersed in his thoughts when a soft hand in his shoulder snapped him back to reality. Eddie smiled weakly from behind him.  
  
"I didn't know you were up." Chris said, smiling back at him.  
  
Eddie shrugged. "I woke up and you weren't there."  
  
"Yeah, I couldn't sleep. I needed to clear my head."  
  
Chris patted the couch, indicating Eddie to sit beside him. Eddie did so.  
  
"I had just finished recording with the band. The guys left, but I stayed in the studio for a couple of hours, just you know, playing and stuff." Eddie's voice was a soft whisper.  
  
Chris got closer to him, placing his hand on his lover's. Eddie shuddered slightly, but didn't pull away.  
  
"You don't have to." He reminded him.  
  
Eddie nodded, but continued talking.  
  
"When I finally decided to go home it was pretty late. I was walking down the street and I ran into this guy I'd met at a Pearl Jam gig. His name was Carl. He invited me to a bar and I went with him... Once we were there he brought some of his friends. We were hanging out and it was nice, we were having a good time. I remembered hanging out with him at the concert, we'd had so much fun. He'd come onto me then, but I had refused. He'd felt very embarrassed, but once he got over that he was a very sweet guy. At least I thought so. Then all of a sudden I started to feel dizzy. And I'd only had one drink... That's when it hit me that they'd slipped something in my glass."  
  
Eddie stopped to catch his breath. Chris draped an arm around him and held him tight. He couldn't think of a moment more painful than that one. Eddie was so strong, he'd dealt with something like that all by himself for weeks. He couldn't even imagine what was going on in his head, how scared he must felt, how ashamed he was.  
  
"They took me somewhere I don't remember." Eddie continued. "I was so scared, Chris. I could hardly move, I felt numb. Carl said something to his friends and they all laughed. Somebody threw me on a couch and started undressing me. And then... Then they took turns on me. There were four of them. I just wanted it to be over, I couldn't fight them anymore. When they finally finished I saw... I saw them handing Carl money... He sold me, Chris, he fucking... He just handed me over to them. It was so humiliating..."  
  
Chris tightened his embrace. He would never let go of him again. It was too painful to do so. He should have been there to protect him, he should have helped him somehow. He should have been able, at least, to help him afterwards. But he couldn't even find out what was wrong.  
  
"I'm sorry..." Eddie said.  
  
"Eddie, I love you. Nothing's gonna change that. Especially not this. I'm sorry I wasn't there to save you, I'm so sorry." Chris cried.  
  
"You don't have to do this, Chris." Eddie said softly, staring off into space.  
  
Chris didn't need to ask what he was talking about, he knew it perfectly.  
  
"I know, I want to. I need to. I need you." He answered.  
  
Eddie turned to look at him. "Why? Why would you?"  
  
Chris couldn't help a chuckle. "Why wouldn't I?"  
  
"Because of everything!"  
  
"Because of what? Because someone —a monster, a piece of shit I will kill the moment I lay eyes on him —hurt you?"  
  
Eddie didn't answer. Chris pulled away for a moment and grabbed his hand gently. He kissed it softly.  
  
"You want to know why?" He asked.  
  
Eddie nodded.  
  
"Alright then. Because you're the kindest, most generous and understanding person I've ever met." Chris started. "Ever since I met you, you've always helped anyone who might need you. You've stayed true to yourself even after rising to fame, you're modest and humble and you treat people right. Even if they'd done you wrong, you understand it when they didn't mean it and forgive them. People know they can count on you. We, the people who love you, appreciate you more than you can even imagine. Also, you're the most amazing singer I've ever heard."  
  
Eddie snorted. "Yeah, right..."  
  
"I'm serious. Your voice is fantastic. It has so many tints and you manage them so perfectly. It's like you know exactly how to transmit the feeling of every song with the way you sing it. And you make it look so effortlessly. You're a great guitarist, too. Even if you don't do it so often. Again, you play so emotionally, it moves anyone who hears you. You're a great musician, and you make everyone love music as much as you do."  
  
Eddie flushed and looked down.  
  
"And one more thing." Chris said, lifting Eddie's chin with his finger.  
  
"What?" Eddie asked expectantly, his big doe eyes staring up at Chris.  
  
"You're beautiful." Chris stated, making Eddie blush even darker. "So beautiful, so amazing, so perfect to me. What happened hasn't changed all that a bit. And my love for you hasn't changed either."  
  
"Love is not enough, Chris." Eddie replied bitterly.  
  
"Yeah, it is. It's enough for me."  
  
"But I don't think I can... You know..."  
  
"I don't mind. I'm not going anywhere. Spending my life by your side is all I want. Period."  
  
Eddie stared at Chris in shock. He couldn't believe he was serious, it was crazy right? How could he even think of staying? Sure, he'd want to help him, but stay with him? Wouldn't it be awkward, to say the least, to live with someone who's haunted by his past, constantly on the alert?  
  
Chris tucked a lock of Eddie's hair behind his ear. He looked at him with so much love.  
  
"You can do it." Chris told him.  
  
Eddie looked down. "What if I can't?"  
  
"Then I'll still love you with all my heart. But you will."  
  
Eddie felt hope returning, and wanted to hug and kiss the man before him that was delivering his heart without asking for anything in return. But he remained quiet, still in disbelief and not wanting to ruin the moment.  
  
Chris leaned over to him slowly, and Eddie's heart started racing. Chris seized his arm and pulled him close, sensing Eddie's nervousness.  
  
"I'm yours." Chris said, before closing the gap between their lips.  
  
Eddie held out his hand shyly, placing it in Chris' hip. Chris remained still, just going along with Eddie's moves. He wanted him to feel in total control, to take things as far as he wanted. He knew, of course, that it wouldn't be very far, but he didn't mind. He just wanted to feel him.  
  
Eddie had now both hands on Chris' body and was pulling closer to him. Chris complied. The kiss deepened, making them both shiver. It took all of Chris' strength not to react to what was happening and let Eddie do everything, and he was doing great, but he couldn't help his involuntary reactions.  
  
Chris groaned softly in the kiss and Eddie pulled away instinctively. He could now see the bulge forming on Chris' pants. He went pale unwillingly.  
  
"No, Eddie, wait." Chris started. "This doesn't mean anything okay? I'm sorry, I just couldn't control it. That doesn't mean you have to do anything..."  
  
Eddie was silent, measuring what was going on. In his head, images from what had happened were playing. He heard the things he'd been told.  
  
'You started it, you finish it.'  
  
'You got us all worked up, you're not leaving us hanging.'  
  
He shuddered and his eyes watered. Chris grabbed his hands.  
  
"I'm not them honey."  
  
Chris was so worried and desperate. He didn't want to frighten Eddie, he just couldn't help it. But of course Eddie would be scared, he'd been hurt so bad he was very defensive. Chris wanted to reassure him, let him know nothing was gonna happen.  
  
"I can leave if you want." He offered.  
  
Eddie looked up, even more worried. "What? But you just said... You said you'd stay..."  
  
"I mean for a while. Until you calm down. Eddie, nothing's gonna happen unless you want it to. I understand that you're scared, and if being alone will help you, then..."  
  
"No, don't leave. If you leave you'll never come back." Eddie said sobbing.  
  
"Of course I will come back, I can't live without you. And if you don't want me to leave at all I'll stay."  
  
Eddie didn't hesitate. "Stay. Just... You know..."  
  
"Eddie, I won't... We don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. Ever. I mean, we never did before, we're not gonna start now."  
  
"It's different..."  
  
"No, it's not. It's okay honey, really. Just tell me what you want."  
  
Eddie's voice was barely audible when he spoke. "Hold me. Please."  
  
Chris gently draped his arms around Eddie, pulling him close to his chest. He squeezed him and stroked his back lovingly. They didn't say a word, they just remained like that for what seemed hours. At down, Eddie fell asleep in Chris's arms. Chris had a meeting that morning. Fuck that, he thought. He carried his boyfriend upstairs and laid him on the bed. Then he laid down beside him, stroking his hair.  
  
"I'll never let you down." He whispered softly in his ear.  
  
He hoped he'd heard him.  
  
_____________________  
  
Epilogue  
  
"Are you sure you want this?"  
  
"Yes, I'm sure."  
  
"We don't have to..."  
  
"I know, I want to."  
  
Chris hesitated, but finally went for it. He placed a soft kiss on Eddie's nose and then on his lips.  
  
"I'm so proud of you." He said.  
  
Eddie was visibly nervous, so Chris held his hands firmly but affectively.  
  
"Take a deep breath honey. It'll be okay." Chris told him.  
  
Eddie nodded.  
  
"Mr. Vedder?" A woman called him.  
  
They both tensed.  
  
"It's time. You'll do great, alright? I'll be right here the whole time." Chris assured.  
  
Taking a deep breath, Eddie followed the woman into her office. They were at the police station, where Eddie was going to finally report his attack. It had taken time, but he was finally ready. He remembered the face of the rapist perfectly, so that would make it easier.  
  
Chris waited outside for the longest 30 minutes of his life. When Eddie finished, he said he wanted to go home. His urgency worried Chris. Once they were there, Eddie cried. It had been like reliving it. Chris patiently held him as he let it all out. They didn't say a word. Not that they needed to.  
  
"You did it." Was all that was said.  
  
It was true.  
  
Two months later, they had found the rapist and three months after, he was in jail. The other guys were also identified and imprisoned.  
  
"I had never felt so free." Eddie said, his head resting on Chris's shoulder.  
  
"You deserve it love, I'm so glad you feel that way."  
  
Eddie looked at Chris, a sly smile on his lips.  
  
"What?"  
  
Eddie kissed him in response. Chris felt his heart jump. He let Eddie lead the way, to see how far he was willing to go.  
  
"Wait, love..." Chris said, when Eddie climbed up on his lap.  
  
"It's okay Chris. I want this."  
  
That was all Chris needed to hear. That night was magical. Chris was very careful and thoughtful, but that didn't stop him from enjoying the moment. Knowing that Eddie was having a good time was the best part. He was being himself, no inhibitions, no fears. And Chris loved that, he loved that so much.  
  
Afterwards, while he was lying in bed with Eddie resting in his chest, he felt like heaven. He was so happy, for the first time in a long time. They were safe, and they were together. And he knew, after everything they'd been through, that there was nothing that could pull them apart.  
  



End file.
